I want to start this by saying I don't have all the answers. Quite frankly, its the opposite. I am feeling so confused, curious, and uncertain about what's going on, yet I feel called to write a little bit about my experience. In true symbolic form, I ended up in New York yesterday for a couple of hours before changing my flight and returning back to Los Angeles at 2am this morning.
The night before my flight I was contemplating whether or not to go, and trying to consider all the possible implications of my decision either way. I felt so committed to not living out of fear and staying connected to the plans I had created. This trip felt particularly meaningful to me, as I wanted to explore the city and experience the energy of New York. This is something I have been craving to do for a while now. When I arrived to my hotel, the city felt dark and grim. You could almost sense the unease permeating in the air. You could tell people were trying to go on about their day, business as usual, yet there was a lingering fear ever so present. You heard it in the conversations, in the way people moved, it felt so alive. As I sat in my hotel room I was receiving texts from the family and friends I was planning to meet with over the weekend and I suddenly experienced a shift. I was scared. My body composition literally changed. It was time to execute. Nature took over and I was officially in "fight of flight" - I needed to find safety. I needed to get back home. All the "what ifs", all the possible outcomes suddenly seemed too much for me to risk. I couldn't be stuck in New York. I felt a deep pull to return to my place in Long Beach. The world seemed so fragile in that moment and I was craving comfort. I wanted my home.
As I hopped in the taxi to head back to the airport I felt a sense of relief. I was going to get back to California (sigh), but tears started streaming down my face. I felt a deep sadness. On a macro level, there is so much at play. It feels as though there's so much to consider in regards to our healthcare system, safety, the economy, workforce, school systems, the list goes on... Honestly, it makes me dizzy. Selfishly, I was bummed about my trip, but more apparent, I was frustrated. I have been so intentional about doing the inner-work, practicing mindfulness, listening to my intuition, and surrendering to the flow of life - my insecurities started to surface. Was I ignoring the lesson here? Was I resisting the flow? Was I running back home because of my fear? Could I just not handle dwelling in the "unknown"? Had I let the hysteria I'm reading and viewing in mass media take a toll on me? I am still working on getting the answers to these questions, but for now, I want to offer my thoughts.
It is a scary time. It's so disorienting, yet so real. The impact of times like this hit us all differently, but we're in this together nonetheless. If we can remember that on a collective level we are all being called to awaken and turn inward, we may be able to help each other heal. In these moments where the very ground we're standing upon feels as if it's being pulled out from under us, its more important than ever to find ways to get grounded and centered. I imagine the uncertainty and confusion I am feeling is not an isolated experience; I hope that you can find ways to lean into these feelings and embrace the "not knowing", using these uncomfortable feelings as a catalyst for your growth. When our backs are against the walls, this is when we need faith, hope, truth, and perseverance the most. These are the moments where leaders step up and lead, innovators create, and healers heal. Do what you can to serve others and take time to care for yourself. When our fear and stress become greater than our love and peace, our system goes into overdrive and we're no longer able to support ourselves or each other.
Be gentle with yourself. Love your tribe hard. Maintain a deep belief that this is all part of the journey. You are not alone.
Sending massive amounts of love and light,